WHEN WILL I HAVE THE COURAGE?

I must admit God has been so good to me, need not elaborate why coz He knows, no complaints whatsoever.  But then as I suddenly look back, I have been a good daughter (as my mother would always tell me), I have been a good sister (even though my brother is shy to admit it), I have been a good friend to everybody (that is why sometimes a lot of them take advantage of that kindness).  In short, I am one h*ll of a person, just doing so much to please others than myself.  Yes, than myself...

I have always made my decisions in life in regard to my family's well being.  I put them first on my list with whatever plan I do with my life.  No regrets though 'coz they are the only ones I have got...the only persons who will love me unconditionally, who will stay with me even in my darkest days, they are the only people who I can say will support me all the way.

But why, tell me why I feel this way? I want to do something that I know is not my cup of tea, something that is out of bounds shall I say if you know the real Kaye.  I have set these criteria but then I might break it if I don't stop myself soon.  I have dealt with this feeling once again, a feeling that I know is there, ready to bloom, ready to take a chance again.  But here I am confused,  weary, bothered, scared to make the wrong decision, asking myself "what if I didn't take the risk and throw away that chance of being happy, will I be able to forgive myself?"  But then again, what if I did take the risk but suffer the consequences in the end because it didn't work out?  If I did, there is no turning back and this will not only affect myself but my family as well.

I want to be happy, I really do, but I am just afraid to make that big step in my life, to take that risk even though I know it would be a complicated one.  I don't know what to do? Will I stick with my own rules or will I deviate and just suffer the aftermath?  When will I have the courage to make that leap, be happy for once in my life and just worry later?

I don't know...I really don't know...I am just afraid of making the wrong decision, a decision that will greatly dictate the life I will lead.

kbk/021007

Comments

[Glen]

Trust your heart, Kaye. Everything will work out.